Nervous Energy

Ever since I arrived in Russia, I have just had this extra energy, nervous energy. It is not the energy I want. I have been clumsy, really clumsy. I have run into countless door frames, there was the time I got hit by the automatic sliding door on a bus, I slipped in the bath while trying to wash my feet, I knocked over the brand new coffee maker, and then today I gracefully was “lifting weights” with the watermelon I was about to cut up as it slipped through my fingers and fell on the floor in an homage to a Gallagher performance. None of these things have caused or will cause me much trouble in life but the amount of shame I have around all these small actions is just crippling. I know that at the end of my life when I am thinking back I am not going to remember July 17th, 2010 as the day that I dropped the watermelon, but in that instant, and for a few hours more as I was cleaning and recovering from the explosion that comes with a six foot drop, it felt like that was all there was. There was the thought of, “I can’t do anything right. All I am in clumsy, I am like a little kid.” Why couldn’t I just grab the melon out of the refrigerator and put it on the table to slice it? Why did I suddenly become this jester who has to act out with all of these antics to make others laugh? Why couldn’t I just be me? When I have been in this position other times I usually don’t act out with as big of actions, I just mainly stick to heavy sarcasm and lots of smiling and pretending I’m fine. Why the switch? Do I feel that need to show how good I am that much more? All I know is that whatever the motives, my tactics are not working. There is no joy in seeing a smashed watermelon on the floor, and there is nothing but shame knowing how pissed the two people you live with are because I know how pissed I’d be. I wouldn’t be really pissed, just that, “what the fuck is going on here” pissed that passes quickly. Everyone has the moments in life where they shine, and more and more over the past few months I have experienced those moments, but now I experiencing the moments that we try to forget, the moments where we turn into “that guy”. There is one thing that gave me a slight break from all of my shame and provided a good little chuckle. As I was taking my second shower of the day because I got so sweaty after being on my hands and knees cleaning this blood red floor with Mr. Clean, a bucket, and an old rag, the thought that popped into my head was that besides myself and my girlfriend the only other person who saw me make a fool of myself in the kitchen as the watermelon was dropping in slow motion and my jaw was dropped yelling, “nooooooo” was the stalker I just recently learned of that has been obsessed with my girlfriends sister and loves to peak inside with his really nice pair of binoculars. Glad to know that someone who didn’t have to deal with the consequences could enjoy the show!

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